Wheelin’ and Dealin’

You have to wonder if people ever actually understand the difference between “existing” and “living” life.
Thanks to Merrian-Webster.com we have the following definitions:

existing
Main Entry: ex•ist
Pronunciation: \ig-ˈzist\
Function: intransitive verb
Etymology: Latin exsistere to come into being, exist, from ex- + sistere to stand, stop; akin to Latin stare to stand — more at STAND
Date: circa 1568
1 a : to have real being whether material or spiritual b : to have being in a specified place or with respect to understood limitations or conditions
2 : to continue to be
3 a : to have life or the functions of vitality b : to live at an inferior level or under adverse circumstances

living
Main Entry: 1living
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
1 a : having life b : ACTIVE, FUNCTIONING
2 a : exhibiting the life or motion of nature : NATURAL b : 2LIVE 2a
3 a : full of life or vigor b : true to life : VIVID c : suited for living
4 : involving living persons
5 : VERY —used as an intensive
— liv•ing•ness noun

I would like to point out to my readership (grown as it seems to have) that I do not consider the path of my life to be mere Existing: case and point: section 3b from our good friend Webster: to live at an inferior level or under adverse circumstances I do consider myself rather to be Living: (thanks in part to a wonderful myriad of therapy and understanding people I have in my life): section 3a from our good friend Webster:: full of life or vigor.

I know we can not all live every day with the vigorous happy go lucky ways of the Cleavers, how ever; we can try every day to be full of life and hope and dream the good dream, fight the good fight.

to simply STAND, and wait, is the very definition of existing, I wait for no one anymore. I walk, whether it be toward something that will enlighten and enhance my life and those around me, or Away, from some detrimental thing I can not always put my finger on but I sense it very clearly.

I am grateful every day for the people I have in my life who love me, and whom I love. Sure maybe I do not get to spend the time everyone would like me to spend with them, but just as a dog knows when it’s master is angry, so does a person know when they are not wanted around.

It is not fight or flight, it is simply wishing not to add more stress to my life, stress I do not need.

The past brings enough stress of it’s own, and while some may consider it “dwelling” or “wallowing” in the past, facing up to what is and what was, is how we learn from the past, and pray that the good will be bettered, and the bad will never be repeated.

Hence the learning process we all go through. If we do not look at our past and face it in some form or another every day, glare at it, and fight the good fight we find ourselves making the mistakes of our past all over again, facing the past is how we deal with it, learn from it, make the future better by not repeating it.

sometimes the past is riddled with pellets we do not want to deal with, sometimes happy rays of sunshine come in, but you can not ignore one and only pay attention to the other, or you wil quite simply drop dead of a heart attack one day and spend your last moments wondering how you did not see this coming a mile away.

Better to face it now, being later, rather than never.

that brings me to my next point I wish to rattle about today: Therapy.

Someone find Merriam or Webster for me quick will you, ah here we go:

therapy
Main Entry: ther•a•py
Pronunciation: \ˈther-ə-pē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ther•a•pies
Etymology: New Latin therapia, from Greek therapeia, from therapeuein
Date: circa 1846
: therapeutic treatment especially of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorder

We all go through some sort of Therapy or another in our life, we all have to, the loss of someone or something we love, the accident that almost or did happen that scares the living shit out of us, the box of hopes we never quite got to, or the random rants of our brain we simply can not ignore anymore though we tried, how we tried.

You can ask what kind of therapy I do and I will tell you.

I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Simple enough one would think, but therapy takes time, and dealing with what you find in therapy takes even more time.

Sure, I used to shut it out, never let it rear it’s dirty little head, I believe that is called repression, or so I have been told, I tried drinking, I tried the random use of drugs, legal or not, I tried being angry, I tried all of these things, and one day, like a brick hitting a windshield, none of it worked anymore.

I was miserable. I worked nonstop. worked until I became sick and worked some more. put on the face of one that had so much to live for, and yet really cared nothing for the wonderful taste of life I was missing out on and I did not care one fucking bit.

Your own demons are funny like that consuming you until you tell them to stop.

So, I did not tell them to stop, I screamed, lashed back, and am fighting the good fight against them. I would rather have the therapy for my past life take years, than suffer the little bastards who stole so much time from me to begin with.

I will take the therapy, the serotonin reuptake inhibitors, the happy hours with the shrink, and the unhappy after math, all in the effort to defeat the past I let dwell inside me so long.

I refuse to be a victim to my past.

I promise to uphold myself and live my life to the fullest; to fill it with loving people, caring dreams, and hopeful aspirations.

I promise myself that I will walk away when I need to, that I will stand when I must, and will build a life that is worthy of the memory of those who have gone before me. And I never forget them, and know I will be happier when life is full, and the waters while they may get choppy from time to time, I know the sea will always settle again,

And the fishing… will be great.

At A Total Loss For Words

I am home, thanks to an early departure from the northern hospitality of Wisconsin. Mostly thanks to this damned ear ache and cold I seemed to have picked up instead of fishing.
Wonderful and delightful in and of it self, I am sure here I will find much more interesting things to blat on about.

First And Foremost: Let me be very clear about one point: I do not give a shit who reads this, how they find it, or what they think of it.

It seems the ever (or sometimes no so) present author of this blog, case and point being me, has come under some considerable fire, and had this little tool of my sanity used against me.
Let me reiterate here, I don’t care who reads this, if they like it, and frankly don’t give a damned if anyone finds it offensive.
I know, people out there, and in here all seem to have something to gripe about, I do my fair share of bitching, we all do from time to time.
However, that is why I made this forum, it is my little corner of the universe when I can say what I want when I want about what I want, and if someone does not like it, all they simply need do is read no further.
Yes people, it is that simple.
I know I have no great readership that follows my ranting and raving on any given day, however, I do not really care about that either.
What do I care about? You can ask; and I will tell you:
I care about this being my forum, my soap box, my place to speak how I feel, if it meets with reproach I don’t care, this little gem helps me stay sane….
Ask my shrink…I am about as sane as people come…maybe that makes her insane…but hell it sure makes Erika and I feel better.
This little electric online journaling device may very well be the glimmer into my life people are looking for. If you want to try to figure me out go ahead, if you want to read this and find it offends you good, if you want to read this and look for something that is not there great.
I don’t mention a lot of people by name in here, I don’t call people out, I talk about the mundane day to day activity that is my life. And I like it that way. I don’t ask for anything from this blog except that it be here everyday, and that it allow me to write and spill my guts to those who I do not know who are reading or that I do know and do not know they are reading.
There is no score card for reading this blog people, read it or don’t, I don’t give a shit.

I do know this, I will continue to write about whatever the damned well hell I please about here, and if people don’t like it they simply do not have to read it, bear witness to it, or advocate it in anyway.

This is mine, and I intend to keep it that way.

So as for my lil’ trip to the good ole north, hospitality not with standing, and the scathing reviews of my visit not pondered upon, I did manage to see a lot of people. sure time is always short, and I am a damnable person to some for not spending my due time and course in the right places at the right times, but all in all, it wasn’t a bad trip.

The drive home was another matter completely, and while I won’t dwell on the sticky and icky details right now, my dear friends, let me tell you when a person sets out to push your buttons they can, even from three hundred miles away. Sometimes I need to learn to let things go, and chalk one up for the little demon in my brain who gets the best of me when that angry mob inside my head gets going, but we don’t always shut up, and we don’t always want to listen to the ranting of others at seventy miles an hour.

Indianapolis will always have a wonderful new meaning for me now…thank you blackberry much.

I know, I know I should let things go, but, you know, when I get riled and I do from time to time, I just cant help myself, I should have hung up let it at that, but no no no no, I had to push and have a say too. Well, we all feel entitled to our opinions, and I surely felt entitled to mine today, barely able to talk with out coughing and all.

We all feel entitled, and being this is my blog I feel entitled to say, my earlier post, about “proper families” stands true.

We are all born with a family, like it or not, they are ours, better or worse, we will always have them. Sometimes we don’t see eye to eye, more often than not I am sure many will agree. and so we surround ourselves and build our own families, we build our lives, as adults, and sometimes people don’t see our life as we do, and that is okay, for the most part, when we as children grown up our birth families accept we will start our own family our own traditions, sometimes, we have trouble letting go of the past and moving on, sometimes the past haunts us with it’s tyranny and we have little to say about what was done long ago, except we don’t have to be the people others think we should be. Sure some things in our life we can not choose, I can’t choose to have brown eyes anymore than I can choose to be gay, but how we deal is another matter all together. How we live life and find comfort in the small things from day to day matter.

I choose to have people in my life who love me and accept me just as I am, flawed and all. I choose not to be a judge of others, and hope they do not judge me.

It does not always work out that way.

We often find time and again we will never live up to the standards other people have set for us. We will never be the people they want us to be, never around enough, never quiet enough, never saying enough, never far away enough. Always just on the cusp of what everyone else thinks we should be. Sometimes, that is our lot in life, to learn the lesson “you can’t please everyone.” I personally know I have a long way to go in that area. But with Yoshi sleeping beside me, I know I pleased someone today, he is sleeping fitfully, belly full, toys beside him, and while I may not be able to please everyone, trying hurts almost as much. You try, you get scathed, you don’t try you get burned, either way, Indianapolis would have new meaning for me today, it just came down to which degree of the burn I got, and try though as I did, I got burned...yet again.

“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.”

Day 1....Round 1

and this round goes to the dogs, i wonder what tomorrow will bring when we dont have to worry about the dogs not being friends, and actually have to get down to the talking part of.
by the way, my brother is a freaking ass, he said he was going to florida, what a crock of shit, and guess where he is not, not in florida, imagine that, seems everyone but me got the damned joke...egg on face.
the drive what very eventful...maybe some day i will tell you why, lets just say the over 3 hour stint to get through chicago had its consequences, and i did not like them not at all...
thanks to erika i made it through the ordeal and came out clean on the other end...sort of
well yoshi is sitting here next to me and is leaning in with the it is time for bed mom huffing and puffing...
will the fish be biting tomorrow...
probably not....but that is another post all together.

Knowing the differnce

there comes a time when you need to accept the fact that you know the differnce between a good family experience and a bad family experience...

last night we dyed easter eggs with the boys, and max was a riot...all the pink eggs are his...and a few of the blue ones, just ask his hands....

then of course there is the goofy little Ben we love so much, unable to dye eggs at his young fragile age, we took the following picture instead:

yes, he is practicing his gymnastics moves, LOL.

the differnce.

yeah, family is a total fabrication of "proper family" is just irritating to me, have i mentioned i am going to visit good 'ol wisconsin....uh huh, well i have had my good family time for the next week probably, seems the only one who wants me to to visit is my little brother, and he wants to go fishing...everyone else, leaving town or does not care...

and here back in kentucky...i will be thinking about how max says my name, and ben giggles when ever i make goofy faces, it will make it easier to muttle through, who knows maybe i will come back early to be able to see them. to fish with keith, and watch tv with allyson and erika.

what a wonderful dream...oh wait that is my life...