Sitting wondering about things today I realize I am absolutely and positively bored out of my mind.
There seems to be some sort of weird programming that switches in my brain when I see the sun shining out side I am so convinced that I should be outside. Fishing, the sunlight, the air in my lungs something, I should be doing something. So I paint, and occupy my mind, looking for the answers to who I am inside. And I look and search for something I worry I may never find again. Maybe it is one of those things we never find until we are gone, the closeted us. Odd thing for an openly gay person to say maybe, however, feeling closeted is something people feel inside from time to time I think. The never ending search for themselves. A detective who can not close the last case in their drawer before they retire. The cold case sitting there, the jacket worn, known inside and out. Finger prints, partial identifications, the shadowy figure in the street light, whispered away with night’s airy breath. Ghosts creeping under your door, silent revelation of some dankness left on the shelf feted rotted ideals behind the brining juice “Time”.
The silver lining? The repeat of salvation? The glint of the light at the end of the tunnel. mirrored glasses three quarters full, forgetting half empty, damning half full, who needs it there is so much more than that. More than the romaine in the lettuce crisper, healthful and good for you crisped and cleaned. Needed for more than a minute, needed for more than a day, needed for more than for you, needed for more than need.
There will always be good. you will always have it in you, you just need to look in the right place, the right height in your mind, the places hidden, they try to hide them from you, try to find a corner to stash the glimmering objects that would carry you to a sunlit room that fills you with hopeful acclimates of peace. “Hope is the greatest of things” isn’t that what was said? We have to believe that to find our way out of the oblivious dark that terrifies the senses and stupefies the soul. Soul. A permeable being that fills the void of heart. Egyptians used to feel that the heart did all the thinking. The brain was useless. The soul is not an organ. The soul is not something you can touch, unless you find someone who touches you.
People love other people. It is in the human nature to care about other people, to look for the good in each other. My fiancé found it in me. Sees it in me every day. She helps me see it in me, in a way I have never seen it before. I see things in her, see colors, prismatic colors. Lights and sparkling rainbows of greens, oranges, blues, reds, I feel the ocean when I listen to her heart and her lungs as she breathes while I sleep next to her. The relaxing tides surrounding me. Hearing John say “you future mother in law thinks so…” or a gentle hug from Diane when we come over for comfort foods of chili and grilled cheese, because knows that I am in pain from how I walk or how I hug her first. Gracie, asking for me to sit with her at dinner, and us eating grilled cheese and playing with our food, I mean really what adult does not love to play with their food? Helping fix a cell phone that I am totally obsessed with, or chatting about fishing and browsers on cell phones with Troy and Heather. Family, I love sitting at that table, even on days when I am not feeling “sociable”.
We all get to ride the rides, the ride has a different admission every day, sometimes, the price seems steep, however, the thrill is worth it, and it is one hell of a ride, in the end?
I plan on being a Tycoon.
Angie
PS Don't forget, I put a link in the Header of this post...enjoy... A.
Hello people…for those of you who did not see the vice presidential debates, from Mr. Biden’s mouth to our ears, the next presidency will not oppose same sex couples having equal rights.
