I Am The Roller Coaster Tycoon

Sitting wondering about things today I realize I am absolutely and positively bored out of my mind.

There seems to be some sort of weird programming that switches in my brain when I see the sun shining out side I am so convinced that I should be outside. Fishing, the sunlight, the air in my lungs something, I should be doing something. So I paint, and occupy my mind, looking for the answers to who I am inside. And I look and search for something I worry I may never find again. Maybe it is one of those things we never find until we are gone, the closeted us. Odd thing for an openly gay person to say maybe, however, feeling closeted is something people feel inside from time to time I think. The never ending search for themselves. A detective who can not close the last case in their drawer before they retire. The cold case sitting there, the jacket worn, known inside and out. Finger prints, partial identifications, the shadowy figure in the street light, whispered away with night’s airy breath. Ghosts creeping under your door, silent revelation of some dankness left on the shelf feted rotted ideals behind the brining juice “Time”.

The silver lining? The repeat of salvation? The glint of the light at the end of the tunnel. mirrored glasses three quarters full, forgetting half empty, damning half full, who needs it there is so much more than that. More than the romaine in the lettuce crisper, healthful and good for you crisped and cleaned. Needed for more than a minute, needed for more than a day, needed for more than for you, needed for more than need.

There will always be good. you will always have it in you, you just need to look in the right place, the right height in your mind, the places hidden, they try to hide them from you, try to find a corner to stash the glimmering objects that would carry you to a sunlit room that fills you with hopeful acclimates of peace. “Hope is the greatest of things” isn’t that what was said? We have to believe that to find our way out of the oblivious dark that terrifies the senses and stupefies the soul. Soul. A permeable being that fills the void of heart. Egyptians used to feel that the heart did all the thinking. The brain was useless. The soul is not an organ. The soul is not something you can touch, unless you find someone who touches you.

People love other people. It is in the human nature to care about other people, to look for the good in each other. My fiancé found it in me. Sees it in me every day. She helps me see it in me, in a way I have never seen it before. I see things in her, see colors, prismatic colors. Lights and sparkling rainbows of greens, oranges, blues, reds, I feel the ocean when I listen to her heart and her lungs as she breathes while I sleep next to her. The relaxing tides surrounding me. Hearing John say “you future mother in law thinks so…” or a gentle hug from Diane when we come over for comfort foods of chili and grilled cheese, because knows that I am in pain from how I walk or how I hug her first. Gracie, asking for me to sit with her at dinner, and us eating grilled cheese and playing with our food, I mean really what adult does not love to play with their food? Helping fix a cell phone that I am totally obsessed with, or chatting about fishing and browsers on cell phones with Troy and Heather. Family, I love sitting at that table, even on days when I am not feeling “sociable”.

We all get to ride the rides, the ride has a different admission every day, sometimes, the price seems steep, however, the thrill is worth it, and it is one hell of a ride, in the end?

I plan on being a Tycoon.
Angie

PS Don't forget, I put a link in the Header of this post...enjoy... A.

Gracie....A New Pic For You All

This is a Pic of my niece Gracie...hope you guys enjoy it. I know I do! She is so cute and adorable!

Hope everyone enjoys, take care and be well!

Angie

"Down on The Farm"

Okay well, I know I have been MIA for a few days, sorry about that everyone. I am not sure what happened, I lost track of time, I lost track of space. I most likely just lost track of me. That happens to me from time to time. I am not sure if you know how that feels gang, however, I am sure there are a few other people who know what I am talking about. Any way, as they once said “I’m Back!”
Yesterday the fishing was not only cold; so were the fish. McNeely is usually my hot spot lake for pan fish, however, only a few bites and not a one catch. on my way home, I driving, as one does on their way home, and saw three young guys, sign in hand asking for money for food for them and their dog. I am, by all means, a huge animal lover. I drove past, as over 90 percent of the population does in these situations, and got on the freeway to go home.
The chill of the cool winds still working its way out of my body, I was not even thinking of those young guys, and I turned around, stopped at a dollar store, bought dog food and dog treats, made my way back and dropped them off. Some how, it seemed wrong. The dog was eating not those young guys. So I of course asked when they last had a true hot good meal.
Food.
Simple, yet so important and so needed to survive. I take for granted that if I want something warm, Erika makes me a comforting pot of potato soup, I am warmed and feel loved and safe.
I sat there in that booth listening to the lives of strangers. Watching them laugh. Hearing the differences in their voices. Listening to the highs and lows of traveling across the country together. Salad, biscuits, pasta, gravy, wonderful table manners, better than my own at times, it was wonderful to sit and hear their lives unfold into colorful pictures in my mind.
Dinner really can bring families together, family yesterday were total strangers, human brothers, just like Ben or Justin. I did not see guys that had not had a decent meal in a few days. I saw my friends, their smiling faces, no one of them would ever go hungry. The dog? Sure you may ask, and I will tell you, Erika and I spoke once, about how we would never let an animal suffer or be hungry, I saw Odyssey, Apollo, Hud, Buster, Dexter, Dodge, and Sasha. My brother’s and I’s dogs, now and growing up, my Father’s favorite hunting dog, I saw them all.
Ah, the old cliché, the we are all a human family cliché. I don’t care about that. I know people were looking at me with these guys in the restaurant, I did not care then I don’t care now. Their meal was paid for; they were polite, respectful, quiet, kind to the wait staff. I felt bad about leaving them, when I dropped them off where they asked me to, those were the best good bye hugs I have received in a long time. If I never hear from them, or see them again, that day will always stick with me, I felt whole, good.
Alive. Living. Real. Human. Refreshed.
It does not get much better than that. If you get a chance please keep Rich, Rory, and Danny in your prayers, that they may be safe in their travels.
“Fair winds and following tides” boys.
Angie

Could someone pass the F**king Ambien!!!

Okay, so there is no way of getting around this, I have insomnia sometimes and am exhausted other times.

It is like you sit here and watch TV and there are ten commercials for easy ways to get to sleep and stay asleep, the side effect of each is you may be drowsy the next day. DROWSY?? They mean damn near comatose. They mean you will never recover your cognitive abilities until you sleep about 26 hours straight.

OTC or known as Over The Counter drugs are known as non-habit forming and safe. except the main ingredient in the is half the dose of a shot of Benadryl. so if that makes you nuts-o hyper forget the hope of sleep you will be insane all night.

Welcome to the world of uppers and downers, active vitamins for during the day, something to sleep at night and the world revolves on the little yellow pill.

Yes Virginia Sci-Fi Is Real.

Angie

Just A Follow Up For All Of You Paying Attention Out There...

I am Getting Better at this blogging stuff aren't I?
Angie

The Train Is A Rolling...And Unless It Derails...

Well, by now you all, (well those of you who read this any way) know Keith. I got my second birthday surprise today while on a fishing outing with Keith. I caught a 19-inch catfish.

Many thanks to Keith for netting him, let me tell you all this, if he had not, the hook was in his mouth so good the fish yanked hard, the line snapped, and he would have gotten away, but, once again my buddy had my back.
It is strange isn’t it, sometimes, how we can sit in the misting cloudy days, eating a lunch (which neither of us would have though to pack Erika gets total props for that one mind you, thanks babe) and though you don’t talk much, you don’t need to, and there is not much that needs to be said. You know you just enjoy doing it, and you know this is a person you will enjoy doing this with.
I have known a lot of people in my life. I have had a lot of “friends”. Erika and I talk about this sometimes how fortunate we are that we have people in our lives that care about us just as we are.
Then realizing that should be considered a gift in and of it self I guess.
So this birthday thing will be in full swing in a short while, we are about to embark “on ward and up ward!” to dinner and John and Dianne’s house. Here is hoping you all have a joyous and wonderful a meal tonight as I do.
It feels like I should be talking more, speaking profoundly and reflecting on the great pasts and futures of life to come, but all I can think to say is:

“May The Force Be With You!”

Ahhh....The March Goes On...Oh Wait That Was "The Beat Goes On" Wasn't It?

Well, it is that time of year again. Yep you guessed it, another day another dollar, another dime dropped, but then, Stephen King said “Everyone Drops The Dime”. Birthdays seem to have this ominous glow, this vigorous defiance to them, you either love or hate them, join the party or hide from the reality that yes you are getting older. It was never the getting older that freaked me out; it was the push to celebrate the obvious truth. Yes we get older, yes there are 365/366 days in a year (though no my dear friends it was not always so) We force this mountain of mysticism on people in this cultural masquerade, and yet, it’s banality is overwhelming, don’t you think? What a simple thing to celebrate a life.
I sit sometimes, and watch my nephew Max, as he explores the world around him, and I think of how excited I of all people was to be there for his first birthday. The celebration of his first year of his young life, odd, I often duck and cover when it comes to my own. Yes, I planned vacation to be sure I was there for it, I would not have missed it for the world, yet, in the grand display, in the cake and melted mush of confections gone bad, the swirl of the sink washes away the sin of hiding from my own mortality.
Why do I not see my own celebration? Why do I not feverishly grasp the reigns and enjoy the ride of confetti, helium, sugar high? I’m not sure.
It feels displaced sometimes. Not worth the celebration.
This year…
This year…
Is…Different.
Tomorrow, two days before the official kick off of my coming into being in this world, I am spending the day fishing with my great friend Keith. I really like Fishing with him, something about the quiet and his company and just being me, and never worrying about judgment is wonderful. The, as Erika says, I get treated to a “Lundbom Dinner” LOL. I must say, John and Diane cook a wonderful meal, and I happen to be the guest of honor. It is nice to be asked about the menu and such. Thursday night, we get to hang out with Allyson, Keith, and of course Max. (They went on a trip to Jersey, we have missed them more than a little, and can’t wait to see how much Max has grow, and Allyson too…wink wink hug hug) Friday is possibly Bingo and dinner with friends.
Erika has taken off work for 3 days we have 5 whole days together, way kewel, and a gift to me all in and of it self. And though I will miss the guys and Tonya for “beer and balls” I am sure if I requested pool for my birthday it could be arranged.
This year…instead of the usual trepidation and hiding, the taking days off from work to be away from everyone, people I love and cherish surround me, and do I think this year will be different?
Well Erika, my happy thought for the day, yes I do.
Angie